There has been a certain amount of heaviness hanging over the days. I am not just talking about the clouds that cummulate late in the afternoon, but instead that sadness that consumes the atmosphere. A sadness so steep and so deep it seems to be cutting off my circulation.
Friends of mine recently lost their mother. (R.I.P.) The day was unlike any other that I had seen in a while. It felt dreary, unsettling and motherless. Sitting there in the church, I could feel the sweat beading up on the walls. I could smell the confusion in the air and I knew that somehow not one of the children that sat close to the altar, was at peace with their motherless day. Change will come: I believe that anyway.
The show on Saturday went smooth like a jazzy beat. I was in and out. It was live, I held their attention and not to mention "he" was there. My muse, the person that held my hand and walked me into my first venue and told me to do it. He had not seen me peform, he did not know what type of monster he had helped to create. I thank him. It was love in the place and allowed myself to be swallowed by it. I think that perhaps I even swam in it for awhile. Backstroking on what was beautiful to and for me. I thank them. Everyone was not there, but this time I didn't have pretend that he was standing against the wall, because this time he was he, he was there for me. I Thank you all.
Thank God (Alimighty)
Amen
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Monday, July 17, 2006
Conversing about the small things
I have suddenly felt the urge to leave here. To travel the world - if not my very own dwelling. I feel the need to seek solace in another place. I have a meek happiness in the place where I am at now. My family is my love, church has suddenly become a cozy cushion I call home, my friends are those arms that I don't mind have wrapped around me. I know that God is everywhere (omnipresent), he dwells everywhere. My fear is not that he will leave me, but instead that I will leave him.
So far it has become a struggle for me to hold on to him. Again, not that he is leaving. I doubt him at times, when in my heart I know that there is no room for doubt. There is no place for doubt or fear. Faith sometimes takes more work than the word allows you to know. Faith is a word that is easy to pronounce - it flows like water, but a word that is hard to turn into a verb. I struggle sometimes to turn it into a word of action and not just an element of description.
I know that if I embodied the true "faith" that I needed, then I wouldn't feel so defeated at times. I do not believe this way all the time, but there are times. I do think that in my small monument of pleasures I can seek and find all that I need already in my space. I think that somehow I have everything that I need to survive in this world - this world catered to the celebration of someone else's downfalls.
I have also come to find out that my space is too small. I mean every space that I own is entirely too small. My room, my car, my desk, my mind, and even my personal space. I find myself backing up when people are standing too close to me (my idea of too close). I find alone time with myself relaxing and peaceful. When I am in my space with myself only I am able to search my own heart with a fine toothed comb and I never come out of that space or that place empty handed. I don't mind the social hour with friends or family - I find amusement and love in them.
I can assume that my heart is lacking in other places. Though I find myself pushing away the idea of male companionship. I find them most repulsive. Maybe because none of them are what they can be. None of them are what they should be and I truly think that I am disappointed in them at this time in my life. Where are the self aware black men. Aware of their surroundings, their history, their futures, their mistakes, their accomplishments, their spiritual being. Where are they? Too many of them are seeking refuge in sex. Sex that is ultimately deemed cowardly. To hide in the essence of someone- else's truth and use it and dare not to love it is mere cowardice. REPULSIVE!
So far it has become a struggle for me to hold on to him. Again, not that he is leaving. I doubt him at times, when in my heart I know that there is no room for doubt. There is no place for doubt or fear. Faith sometimes takes more work than the word allows you to know. Faith is a word that is easy to pronounce - it flows like water, but a word that is hard to turn into a verb. I struggle sometimes to turn it into a word of action and not just an element of description.
I know that if I embodied the true "faith" that I needed, then I wouldn't feel so defeated at times. I do not believe this way all the time, but there are times. I do think that in my small monument of pleasures I can seek and find all that I need already in my space. I think that somehow I have everything that I need to survive in this world - this world catered to the celebration of someone else's downfalls.
I have also come to find out that my space is too small. I mean every space that I own is entirely too small. My room, my car, my desk, my mind, and even my personal space. I find myself backing up when people are standing too close to me (my idea of too close). I find alone time with myself relaxing and peaceful. When I am in my space with myself only I am able to search my own heart with a fine toothed comb and I never come out of that space or that place empty handed. I don't mind the social hour with friends or family - I find amusement and love in them.
I can assume that my heart is lacking in other places. Though I find myself pushing away the idea of male companionship. I find them most repulsive. Maybe because none of them are what they can be. None of them are what they should be and I truly think that I am disappointed in them at this time in my life. Where are the self aware black men. Aware of their surroundings, their history, their futures, their mistakes, their accomplishments, their spiritual being. Where are they? Too many of them are seeking refuge in sex. Sex that is ultimately deemed cowardly. To hide in the essence of someone- else's truth and use it and dare not to love it is mere cowardice. REPULSIVE!
Then again it could just be me, with a high standard. Not just for men, but I guess for everything. So high I could barley see it myself.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
It Felt Good
I had the pleasure of speaking with a old friend today. Though short, it was good enough to make me smile. I guess I did miss him.
Thank you
Thank you
Monday, July 10, 2006
Honesty is Key
It was like she was trying to keep a secret from me. You know... Changing her plurals to singles and chopping at her vocabulary. She doesn't know that I know. She couldn't possibly think that I am that dumb or that naive. The news this time, didn't carry as much weight as it would have with me. I was okay this time. I took the news in stride and continued on my path.
Sometimes I dare to look back. Sometimes I may even let myself go back to that place. I think that mostly I am checking up on it, making sure that all is well with it. After I do that then I can keep it moving. Nowadays, my stops are minor and few. I think that I am okay for now with where I am at. It gives me more time to concentrate on me and the things that I deem important to my survival. There isn't much that I need and I can work with what I have thus far.
I think that what is even more exciting for me is that discovery is lurking in the corners of my very being. I have begun to study what is important to me in this world of material wealth. I have taken pride in who I am and what I am. What if, just what if I am somebody? I think that I can bring that message across without being overly-confident. People dwelling in my realm for some reason think that as soon as someone starts to believe that are somebody in this world, then that makes them conceited.
I often think that if these shallow people had a grip on their own shit then they wouldn't have so much to say about whats going on with mine. Really I am basically getting tired of trying to prove to people why I love me so much. Why I feel like this isn't it for me. I personally feel that people should support when needed to and allow themselves to be supported when needed to. Jealousy is the root to evil, it warrants hate and encourages ill treatment.
I dislike the thought that I can't call my friend and share an accomplishment with them. It actually saddens me to even think about it. I couldn't believe the kind of treatment that I received when it did happen. I tend to drift off onto edgy conversation...I was saying that in the corners of my being I see things in a different perspective.
My heart aches and wonders for things that didn't even use to warrant my heart's attention. Now, more than ever, I find myself thinking about things that are not indifferent in our world. In fact these things are so prevalent that most of the time we don't even pay them any attention. Little ones are sleeping through gun shots outside their windows at night. Young men are being killed, more women and children are being abused and homelessness is the first institution on the top of poverty's list. Tell me, how can there be levels or classes for the poor. Is there a institution of rich or too rich, no. But on poverty's end, the levels are stacking up.
Poverty - Hood/Ghettos, trailer parks, homelessness, welfare/section 8 housing, gassed neighborhoods.
How does one fair in a poverty stricken neighborhood? Who was the mastermind behind this set up. Now, that this system that was set in place to destroy is doing exactly what they wanted it to and more it has become a problem. The problem is with the "more". They aren't just killing themselves off...they are starting to kill them too. Oh-honesty hurts.
Plans planned in evil have a tendency to backfire!
Sometimes I dare to look back. Sometimes I may even let myself go back to that place. I think that mostly I am checking up on it, making sure that all is well with it. After I do that then I can keep it moving. Nowadays, my stops are minor and few. I think that I am okay for now with where I am at. It gives me more time to concentrate on me and the things that I deem important to my survival. There isn't much that I need and I can work with what I have thus far.
I think that what is even more exciting for me is that discovery is lurking in the corners of my very being. I have begun to study what is important to me in this world of material wealth. I have taken pride in who I am and what I am. What if, just what if I am somebody? I think that I can bring that message across without being overly-confident. People dwelling in my realm for some reason think that as soon as someone starts to believe that are somebody in this world, then that makes them conceited.
I often think that if these shallow people had a grip on their own shit then they wouldn't have so much to say about whats going on with mine. Really I am basically getting tired of trying to prove to people why I love me so much. Why I feel like this isn't it for me. I personally feel that people should support when needed to and allow themselves to be supported when needed to. Jealousy is the root to evil, it warrants hate and encourages ill treatment.
I dislike the thought that I can't call my friend and share an accomplishment with them. It actually saddens me to even think about it. I couldn't believe the kind of treatment that I received when it did happen. I tend to drift off onto edgy conversation...I was saying that in the corners of my being I see things in a different perspective.
My heart aches and wonders for things that didn't even use to warrant my heart's attention. Now, more than ever, I find myself thinking about things that are not indifferent in our world. In fact these things are so prevalent that most of the time we don't even pay them any attention. Little ones are sleeping through gun shots outside their windows at night. Young men are being killed, more women and children are being abused and homelessness is the first institution on the top of poverty's list. Tell me, how can there be levels or classes for the poor. Is there a institution of rich or too rich, no. But on poverty's end, the levels are stacking up.
Poverty - Hood/Ghettos, trailer parks, homelessness, welfare/section 8 housing, gassed neighborhoods.
How does one fair in a poverty stricken neighborhood? Who was the mastermind behind this set up. Now, that this system that was set in place to destroy is doing exactly what they wanted it to and more it has become a problem. The problem is with the "more". They aren't just killing themselves off...they are starting to kill them too. Oh-honesty hurts.
Plans planned in evil have a tendency to backfire!
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Words
Gravity has a way of pulling words out of my mouth. Words that maybe could have been said in a different way. I always mean to tell the truth, but I guess sometimes it can come across as rude or too blunt.
Well...to all of you, I do not apologize, but I merely hope that you can understand.
Peace
Bliss
Well...to all of you, I do not apologize, but I merely hope that you can understand.
Peace
Bliss
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Today
Sometimes I have to question myself on how I got to where I am. Steadily searching for a miracle to happen, steadily searching for God to arrive. I am here. I am ready. But I think that mostly I am scared of what might happen. I have to make moves because I know that no one will make them for me.
There is a voice inside my head that is telling me not to be a coward and to step out on faith and that God will take care of me. How can I be sure I ask the voice. The voice then asks me, how can you question God.
The plan for today, is to trust in God and believe that he will do what he said he would do. Today I take care of my business and myself and my heart.
Yeah, that is what I will do today!
There is a voice inside my head that is telling me not to be a coward and to step out on faith and that God will take care of me. How can I be sure I ask the voice. The voice then asks me, how can you question God.
The plan for today, is to trust in God and believe that he will do what he said he would do. Today I take care of my business and myself and my heart.
Yeah, that is what I will do today!
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